Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
