batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
