I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
