i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information