good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!