I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.