can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dick very happy bro