Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
