Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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