I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
