Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
