I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
