I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
