Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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