My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
