My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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