did you get engaged???
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
