It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
