Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
