i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I need water and some morals
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
