Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
