if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
