Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
