My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
