he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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