It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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