Can i not drive my cunt home
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just high enough for therapy.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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