somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
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she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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