Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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