I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
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Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're a waste of cheezeits
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
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