i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
