well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"