I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
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no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?