You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
