Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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