I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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