I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
That accounts for only three of the penises
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
