OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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