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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
