He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
