He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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