The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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