my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
