I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
