im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
