Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
