so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
