elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dick very happy bro
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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