Please, let me fuck your mom
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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