I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
