Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
