I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
