She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
