You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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