You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
