It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
