i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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