Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
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